since forever and ever, i've been thinking in "what if"s and wondering incessantly about what i do not have (though i realize that this is ridiculous). today i am thinking about this path i've taken that's brought me here, to new york city, and how this chapter will soon end. and it was one simple decision that placed me in this world and not another one.
i don't think i believe in regret. but for the last three years i've wondered what form my life would have taken had i chosen a different place to spend the four years of this chapter of my growth. when i was in the middle of nowhere, in bennington, vermont, all i wanted was to get out. to be in the city where things were happening, where i could interact with people other than just rich, white, 18-22 year old college students. i wanted diversity and culture and all the magic that is alive in this terrific place. so one day i just made the decision, and that was it. i left the rolling hills where autumn was so beautiful you'd cry just looking out your window, and i came to this island of concrete.
what if i'd initially picked any of the other schools? what if i went to bard or hampshire or friends' world? it is pointless and stupid to think in this way because i cannot go back four years and re-decide. but i do think this way, and it's very painful.
there are days when this city swallows me whole. when the anonymity and loneliness are oppressive. when the buildings are all i see and there aren't gardens with organic vegetables or sunsets over mountains or silence. there is no silence here.
today i am very upset because i feel like maybe i made a mistake. new york city will always be here. it isn't going anywhere. almost every person i've met here whom i've enjoyed has been in his/her late-20s or 30s or 40s or 50s or 60s. in other words...not college students. people journey here after they experience the chapter that i decided to live here. i feel so foolish! like i've missed out on something that i will never be able to gain...because i was in a rush to meet this place.
i'm sure this makes no sense or seems like a pointless stretch of complaints. i am simply mad at myself today. i am thinking what if what if what if. what if i'd gone to the countryside of massachusetts.
i can answer the "what if" to some degree. if i had not come to nyc, i never would have experienced living with nick for a year. i probably wouldn't have made the kibbutz documentary. i probably wouldn't have gotten closer to my brother.
but right now, i am thinking about how lovely the trees smelled in vermont and how quiet the mornings were when everyone was asleep. i'm thinking of that academic freedom that is coupled with all those middle-of-nowhere liberal arts institutions that i'm what if-ing about.
ok, enough.
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2 comments:
i don't think you've wasted your time either. as far as school and academic freedom goes, or where you spend four years for a bachelor's degree... the greatest and wonderful truth is that your education does not have to stop here.
i think about that sometimes when i start feeling .. i really SHOULD have kept studying music. i can feel so bad about that sometimes! then i just remember i had good reasons for the choices i made that led to my present studies. i remind myself that i can always study music when i am done studying chinese medicine and that i have a lot of time left in this life (hopefully) to study or do anything i want to. commitments begin and end, and there is room for so many more.
if you missed out on something in the past because you made another choice, you can always choose those things in the future!
AND to spend this part of your life in nyc is so amazing! i think your decision was based on a very reverent perception of life and humanity. i think it is so courageous. i can imagine that the city is sometimes isolating, but at the same time you've allowed yourself to spend time in a place that is so diverse. when you get to the next place you'll have had this amazingly rich experience. and the next place will offer that in some other way too.
i agree that those feelings are painful. sometimes i wonder what i am doing here. i feel this great pull to be back in texas so much. its related to the place, the trees!, friends and family, the frio river... then i feel that there is a sort of struggle that i go through here that i feel is a very necessary part of my life right now. i feel that things have yet to be done. i hope i always feel that, actually!
and perhaps you should follow those feelings and let them take you to the place you'd really like to be. that is what led you to nyc!
you're so awesome sheer!
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